I’m not one of those people who embraces Autumn, in fact I’m not generally speaking  buying it…..

Right! You’ve hardly cremated your last banger on the barbeque or peeled off that stubborn bit of flaky tanned skin when the ‘new season’ is trotted in by the official harbingers of Autumn! Errr that’ll be TV’s *Tess Daly and **Claudia Winkleman then and no! – a few choice sparkly and heavily sequinned dresses do not compensate for killing summer stone dead like an overly optimistic badger on the M5. Simon Cowell is also guilty of passing a chilly shadow over the warmth of the last summer rays with his insipid singing talent show which is now tackier than a Nutella stained furry onesie. Paul Hollywood is another one shafting late summer as he tempts us with stodgy carbed baked foods and cosy patronising patter for the bakers. All the while pretty golden leaves are barely even swirlin’ outside the tent.

And so just like that, the media tosses us unceremoniously into those tricky transitional days between summer and what I call real Autumn. In particular, the unpredicatable weather will joyfully find us invariably dressed inappropriately. We’ll choose woolly tights on what turns out to be a freakily warm sunny day. We’ll leave the house with a mere cardy against the elements just as storm (insert stupid twee name like) Doris arrives! Doris sounds like she’d bake you a Great British Bake Off standard Victoria Sponge not flood the high street, blow the bins over and bash your bastard garden fence down!

The supermarkets and shops are also in on this abrupt seasonal shift.

August 31st: Disposable BBQs, burgers and a wide selection of marinated meats!

September 1st: Pumpkin and butternut squash everybloodything! 

Soup! How retailers are just conning you into buying even more bread – namely crusty loaves/baguettes/rolls. Ever enjoyed a bowl of soup without bread? Thought not.

Tights! No sooner have we been cajoled into stocking up on warm tights (pun very much intended) then we are abusing the toe gusset by wearing said tights out to the bins in flips flops!! What do you deem acceptable to wear on your feet out to the bins – surely  there’s a tug boat full of subject matter for another blog post here? 

Stationery! I love a bit of new stationery – I’m not going to pretend otherwise. A couple of choice pieces please such as a handy sized notebook for blog ideas and a lovely large lined jotter pad! But it’s owls and foxes on everybloodything! It’s albloodyways woodland creatures for Autumn, and albloodyways safari animals for Summer. Is this not a little seasonist! Can’t we change it up a bit? The answer is ‘no’, followed by a short sharp slap around the face and a ‘pull yourself together’. Owls and foxes are going nowhere!

A final note regarding the shops. Marks and Spencers, Sparks, Markses or good old Marks&Sparks! (whatever your pet name for this shopping emporium) the fact of the matter is that Marks and Spencers is on one from now until Christmas. Seriously. Its stock is double dipped in glitter and sparkles then thrice cooked in duck fat and that’s not just Twiggy’s new range! We’ll have to sit through weeks nay months of multitudinous jazz handed and fake snow infested advertisements as their xmas campaign snowballs from now (not really Autumn) towards 24th December. Yes, you’re a well loved British high street stalwart and I personally love you but….have a calm Marks and Spencers……have a calm. 

Don’t mess with my (Autumnal) toot toot!

By toot toot I actually mean….err coffee! 

I’ve happily drunk plain old, common or garden mochas, lattes and hot chocolates all year long. I don’t suddenly need a Snow White Chocolate and Peppermint Mocha. Equally my much loved long milky coffee does not need to be vegetable inspired, spiced, frothed and pimped into a Pumpkin Spiced Latte. I also don’t require my hot chocolate to be unashamedly turned into a brash and seedy version of itself with an extra large bouffant of cream, a vertiginous tower of marshmallows and a flake the size of The Shard! I’m just after a chocolatey drink is all, not arse implants which is basically where this calorific concoction would end up! There’s no need for the bastardising of all the hot beverages!

Just about acceptable Autumness!

Blackberry and apple crumble is in many circumstances acceptable (unless sticky toffee pudding is in the offing) and this fruity desert gets an Autumn free pass. That’s right, I’m not mad at these seasonal fruits combined with that tasty crumbly topping and super sweet custard!……mind you, afterwards the pips-in-teeth sitch is a total fecking arse!

Ok, ok, having a log fire is delectable with that organic, smokey aroma and warmth…….mind you, going out in tights and flip flops to get the logs in during Storm Twee Name is also a total fecking arse!

But there is just one thing I’ll hold my hands up to (strap in)…….if the weather is clement, if I’m adequately dressed and if I’m palming a hot beverage in a travel mug…. I’ll admit to maybe slightly enjoying (imagine I’m saying this really quickly right into your ear in a furtive breathy whisper) ……a walk in the woods through crunchy leaves……….sssshhhhh.

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Do you feel romantically lulled into Autumn or downright conned?  What do you love and hate about this transitional period into what I call real Autumn?

As you were!

*and **, look Tess and Claudia, I’ve got no beef with you. In fact I love that you are two talented women presenting on a hugely successful show, it’s just your timing – is all. 

Marks and Spencers, you know  I love you, send me a voucher! Go on!