34. Village survival, the joy* of a new oven!

Last week the oven blew. It made a terrifyingly sinister zz..zhsh..zzz sound, sparked and flashed momentarily and then gave up its shiz like a dying Darlek. To be fair it was a bit knackered, the oven door seal was falling off and the knobs were getting tired!! Anyway, the thing was kaput so as we like to eat cooked food we decided to get a new one……oven1.png

So here is my handy cut out and keep guide: How to get a new oven delivered and fitted (in a rural Devonshire village) in 10 easy steps. Ok so it’s a bit niche.

Step 1. Talk to Dan ‘no eye contact as standard’ at a large electrical superstore near you like Barely Adequate Electricals R US!

Or indeed order your new oven online for ease and convenience. I personally need to feel up/fiddle with knobs/try out any possible home appliances before purchasing (can’t bring myself to buy online – even from dependable stalwarts John Lewis) so I trekked to the thriving metropolis of Exeter to probe a few possible oven candidates. Dan who served me did in fact manage a whole ten minutes of sales patter and the completion of said appliance sale without making any eye contact. At all. Impressive. I could have undressed seductively and been totally starkers when he passed me the receipt and he’d have been none the wiser. Equally if I’d ‘lifted’ a Vegetable Spiraliser on the way out he wouldn’t have been able to identify me in a line up. Something to think about in staff training don’t you think Barely Adequate Electricals R US!……

Step 2. Arrange a day time delivery slot so it doesn’t interfere with school drop off/pick up time because the village lane is too effing small to accommodate an articulated lorry from Barely Adequate Electricals R US plus the school bus and parents who will be really arsed off by such a vehicle in their way.

Step 3. Receive a text at 8:10am on Monday morning, we’re on our way- we’ll be there at 8:40 – mostly because the village lane is too effing small to accommodate an articulated lorry from Barely Adequate Electricals R US plus the school bus and the parents who will be really arsed off by such a vehicle in their way.

Step 4. Allow your monday morning angst and first world oven delivery problem stress you the big one! The massive lorry (we live on the narrowest lane in the village – you may want to put that on the delivery notice said I to Dan ‘no eye contact as standard’ and to be fair to him he did pop it on the delivery details) pulled up outside our cottage dwarfing it like a big thunder cloud and spraying horse poo as it travelled! A smattering of ill-disguised tutting could be heard from the early mums who had to squeeze past the lorry to get their offspring to school.

Step 5. Start oven replacement hoohar. Have bants with delivery drivers about how they are supposed to take the old appliance away (payment had been made for this pleasure). Not on the delivery sheet appaz! Cajole delivery drivers to take old appliance. Plead and then bribe delivery drivers with tea and McVitie’s Belgian chocolate chunks Boasters to remove the old oven. Huffily phone Barely Adequate Electricals R Us and ascertain that arrangements had indeed been made for the old appliance to be disposed of! Hastily remove McVitie’s Belgian chocolate chunks Boasters from play ….

Photo source: britishshopabroad.com

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I tried to draw a Boaster but it didn’t look like a Boaster or certainly didn’t evoke enough reverie for this venerable beauty of a chocolate chip cookie.  McVities you can thank me later when my one reader in Mid Glamorgan buys a packet!

Step 6. Swing (like an effing skilled trapeze artist) between tweenagers who can’t find their shoes/PE kit/water bottles/bookbags and delivery drivers needing attention. Holler “put that iPad down and find your school shoes. NOW!” Locate school bookbag remove green Furby Furbling before realising it is actually last friday’s uneaten mouldy break time snack. Point driver in the right direction for the fuse box. Replace mouldy Furby Furbling snack with a fresh one and homework book. Holler “You haven’t found your school shoes have you but….(seriously)….you’ve managed to pick your nose until it’s bleeding.” Sign officious looking documentation that declares electrics are in accordance with UK electrical standards and therefore the delivery drivers can proceed with installation (ffs). Stuff a tissue up older tweenager’s nose.

Step 7. Leave delivery drivers installing the oven to run up the road and drop kids off at school. Smile placactingly at arsy parents who aren’t happy at having to go the long way around the articulated lorry. Be accosted by Mr Bygraves the headmaster about the preposterously large Barely Adequate Electricals R US! lorry. Point out politely that ‘delivery at the time of school morning drop off’ had not been requested. Listen to his passive aggressive suggestion that the highway should be kept clear at all times during school pick and drop off. Passive aggressively suggest that Vertonbridge is a living breathing village for village dwellers and not just a school destination. Then make excuse to get home and therefore facilitate the speeding up of the offensively large Barely Adequate Electricals R US! lorry blocking the highway.  

Step 8. Arrive home to find polystyrene, cardboard, plastic packaging and shiz everywhere, plus several McVitie’s Boasters missing but…new oven installed. Receive instructions to turn on the oven to burn off noxious factorynesses!

Step 9. Show delivery drivers out, pick up all polystyrene debris wafting about on the pavement and thereabouts. Skilfully deflect arsy looks from late straggler parents whilst receiving a light spray of horse sh*t as the Barely Adequate Electricals R US lorry wheels spin off.

Step 10. Turn on oven and gas out whole kitchen with vile noxious and possibly poisonous fumes for forty minutes. This is akin to a hike around Sellafield Nuclear Plant or five minutes in a fart infested fug that is a tweenage boy’s bedroom. Spend next two weeks getting to know the oven! Not liking the touch screen bit and wondering why the bastard is always beeping? It beeps when the timer is put on and beeps in a distressed way if the timer hasn’t been put on, then beeps when it’s at the desired temperature. It then automatically starts the timer for the length of time that the oven is at the desired temperature because it has control issues and thinks everything should be timed (and beeped). Feel harassed and bullied by appliance. Google recipes which do not require a conventional oven. Find 100 Essential Recipes on the Hob and nearly buy it. Finally stand up to appliance by actually properly reading the instruction manual. But feel head screwed some more when finding all manner of sub-settings, as well as the bog standard fan assisted oven, things appear such as forced air, convective heating, maxi cooking and other multifarious settings shiz! Pass the manual to husband or **other responsible adult who also registers 9 on the new oven panic scale. Book Sunday lunch at the pub and order in a job lot of baked beans.

Have you been bullied or intimidated by a new household appliance? Does it feel like there’s a stranger in the house? If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in this blog post – pop your woes in comments – and although I’m not qualified in counselling, remember I know first hand that new household appliance pain is real people.

As you were X

PS. Hard to believe I know, but this post was not sponsored by McVitie’s Belgian Chocolate Chunks Boasters. They just get a lucky mention which will no doubt boaster sorry bolster their sales immensely!

*joy, read, effing awfulness!

**responsible adult of your choice, perhaps a nurse or teacher….

Yay for frolics on a Friday (did that because it rhymes) I was featured blogger on Friday Frolics! Thank you to the crew Emma, Claire and Lucy xx

Life Love and Dirty Dishes
Life Love and Dirty Dishes
Prose for Thought

22 thoughts on “34. Village survival, the joy* of a new oven!

  1. I’m just going to come straight out with this. I think your oven feels unwelcome in your home. The negative energy and passive aggression surrounding its arrival and installation have not gone unnoticed. Your oven is seeking attention and approval with its continuous beeping. I suggest you apologise to the oven and begin the process of building bridges. Going forward you should exclaim joyfully on removing your shepherd’s pie* from the oven, “Wow, this is beautifully cooked, this new oven is amazing”. Vary it up a bit though, this is just a sample comment. You’ve got a sensitive appliance there and it’ll pick up on insincerity straight away. Reckon you’ll have a calm oven within two weeks. I’d love to hear how you get on.
    Pleasure’s all mine.
    * or whatever

    Liked by 1 person

    • Now I’ve got new household appliance guilt! Will do my best with praise and positive reinforcement but it does require more attention than my children! If all else fails I’ll buy ‘How to bond with your oven without losing a sense of self’ £1.99 on Amazon. Will let you know how it goes! 🙂

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  2. Ah I’ve missed your humour! Feel like I need to go and backread the stuff I missed! Congrats on your small victory and a post fantastically written as always! 🙂 #FridayFrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ‘Recipes which do not require a conventional oven’ ! Excellent. Loved this post as it made me feel grateful not to be living in remote village.
    We’ve been having fridge discussions for 2 years but cant agree on height, energy rating or freezer capacity.
    Best and most useless appliance was a steam cleaner I bought last year. Cleaned every bit of grouting in house and started on terrace. Only received mild burns on hands before realising house was filled every day with dirty humid air. The tiles are all sparkling however. Jo x #fridayfrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  4. It would definitely appear that your oven has control issues and wishes to take over your life using a combination of guilt, dietary modification and beeping. I would suggest perhaps distracting it with a McVitie’s Belgian chocolate chunks Boaster and get the fudge out of there as quick as you can! 😉 I love your posts! #prose4T xx

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  5. I love this so much! I actually shout very unladylike swear words at my new ‘modern’ oven that came with my kitchen…the beeping is driving me bonkers and why do I have to bypass so many flipping screens just to get to ‘conventional cooking’?! & don’t even get me started on the hob! Brilliant 🙂 #prose4t

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Just popping back again! I did leave a comment but I fear that I may be in your spam. Unless I imagined my waffling comment about a treadmill, that is very possible. I do feel like I am sleep walking at the mo. Great to have you back! A brilliant post 🙂 #Fridayfrolics

    Liked by 1 person

  7. We inherited our oven with a hand-drawn set of instructions on how to change the clock. It requires an engineering degree so, as we never use it, it’s either right or one hour ahead. The oven looks like it could do lots of things, but I’m sticking to what I know.

    Hope you get used to your new oven soon and show it who’s boss!

    Like

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