You may remember that back in September I was interviewed for Execellent magazine (lifestyle in the Exeter area and shiz). Well, Lucy, my interviewer – the effervescent winsome young media luvvie emailed me just before Christmas (just to recap, Lucy is a bubbly and enthusiastic 20-something with the kind of unacceptable joie de vie that can only be maintained with a constant stream of; double lie-ins at the weekend, items of Whistles clothing in her wardrobe, regular impromptu after-work drinks and frequent European City mini-breaks). Lucy wanted me to write a piece on Wellie Boots for the magazine. A short witty article of fashion/social commentary (don’t drone on like you do in your blog posts she intimated) for their February edition.
After the Christmas break I had to make time to nail my Wellie Boot copy for Lucy so I hauled arse to ‘the shed’. My writing shed is akin to a walk in freezer when I first enter in the morning. It’s like the Ice Hotel apart from the lack of snow, hotel rooms, 15 euro vodkas in ice glasses and northern lights! So just *jeffing cold then – as in minus 6 degrees inside. *My new years res is to stop jeffing swearing. On entering the shed – it’s imperative that I take a hot water bottle, mug of coffee and wear a ski jacket to survive the first twenty minutes while my blow heater puffs out inadequately against the arctic ambience. My little window is covered in showy offy swirly whirly patterns curtesy of Jack Frost so I can’t see out. No bad thing when my vista is a ripped mildew covered trampoline, a diseased and arthritic looking apple tree and next doors cat’s turds which it never bothers to bury.
So – my Wellie Boots article! Fashion and footwear are things I like to take peripheral interest in. I know I don’t like bootleg jeans. I also don’t like those very long puffer coats which look like people have wrapped a duvet around themselves and then wandered absentmindedly out of their homes. I also intensely dislike those chunky leather shoes with extra large stitching/latticing that make the wearer look like they’ve shoved their feet into a couple of extra large traditional Cornish Pasties. Just stop it with the bootlegged, duvet wrapping, pasty wearing whoever you are? But it’s fair to say I can’t get myself terribly excited by waterproof boot trends and I know *Jeff all about wellies and the fashions thereof. However, in the interest of this paid piece I’m going to pretend like I give a shiz and instead of ‘fashion’ I’m going to concentrate on the psychoblaaaah connection between wellie wearers and their wellies. I’m in no way whatsoever qualified to do this but I’m prepared to lift the lid, an expose if you will, on people’s wellie wearing habits here in my small village in Devon. All names have been changed to preserve the identity of the wellie wearers. Obvs…..
The Wellies and the Wellie wearer of Vertonbridge Village!
1.’The Dullard’ – as the name suggests – a very dull wellie boot, supplied to the nation via a plethora of dimly lit and cavernous outdoorsy clothing warehouse emporiums, such as Go Outdoors (I hate a shop that tells me what to do! Build A Bear! Accessorise! Eat! Ahhh Jeff off!).
Dullard Debra. Debra isn’t interested in wellie boots, her bog standard turbid green (little-toe grating) stalwarts are perfectly serviceable for mucking out the ferrets, driving the John Deere up the back paddock (sadly not a euphemism) or doing the school run. She doesn’t have any truck with those expensive fleecy welly boot socks either. Yes, a pair of inflexible Dullards are perfectly adequate and (not that Debra cares) they go well with her dog-haired covered fleece of the same joyless colour. Debra *may* have been hoping for a pair of pretty spotty wellies from Asda for Christmas (sad face emoji)………and some of those frivolously cheery fleecy welly boot socks (sadder face emoji).
2.’The Fakeass Jolly Spotty’ – ‘Joules’ type wellie boot effort (no rubber trees were harmed in the making), supplied to the nation in bulk by leading supermarkets. On a busy (multi-laned bastard) roundabout near you.
Spotty Suzanne. Suzanne loves a floral/stripey/spotty welly boot, it adds a little colour and pizazz to her welly boot days (it’s always pissing down when she has to get Poppy to playgroup) and there’s no way Suzanne is paying through the nose for a pair of muddy puddle jumpers (so do one Peppa Pig) especially when Mondelli Pinot Grigio Blush is on offer and the kids swimming lessons want paying for. And you can do one dry January as well!.
3.’The Aspirational Jazzy’ – patterned wellie boot that aspirational people wear, supplied to the nation by aspirational shops LIKE Joules, Cath Kidston, Boden etc.
Jazzy Julia. Julia loves an aspirational patterned wellie boot with the extra buckle detail. They are a bit like Hunters only prettier and more patterny. Julia likes the way they go with her indigo skinny jeans and they even seem to coordinate with her jazzy patterned anorak too (if you squint – with the sun behind her). Yes, Helen loves a patterny branded wellie that was expensive enough but not silly money like Hunters. Helen says,”Why pay nearly £100 for a pair of welly boots? Seems ridiculous!”. Helen just wants a pair of Hunters……
4.’The Lurid’ – brightly coloured Hunter Wellie Boot, worn by ‘bonkers’ people all over this land – supplied to the nation by companies LIKE Hunter at multifarious garden centres across the British Isles.
Lurid Lizzie. Lizzie loves her Hunters, she considers them to be the superior wellie boot but she’s not going to have a safeass navy pair or gah! – the black ones! No siree Bob! When she’s taking Whippets – Andy and Murray out she wants to be noticed in her (canary cadaver) yellow Hunters – bonkers – what is she like! Yes she likes a sturdy, iconic, royalty endorsed wellie but she’ll be damed if she’ll conform to dreary ‘farmer’ green especially when she can get the stupid coloured ones at a knock down price in TKMaxx. “What am I like? Bonkers, you know what I’m like!” she says as she bends down to scoop up Murray’s third turd of the walk, even her warm crap-filled poo bags are a jolly jazzy colour! Lizzie is going for bright coral when her current Hunters wear out……what is she like?
5.’The Leathery’ – looking boot which isn’t a wellie that pretentious people who may not actually own horses wear because they think they’re above the humble welly boot. Supplied to the nation by companies LIKE Dubarry in those 1950’s style posh independent shoe shops for old and posh people who always wear waxed jackets.
Leathery Lavinia. Lavinia did have a pony when she was growing up but her top rider days at Pony Club are alas a distant memory. Nowadays she doesn’t favour a wellie boot and as such will only wear her (like) Dubarrys and would never go back to conventional wellies. “I just don’t like the feel of rubber on my skin,” says Lavinia whose husband nods disappointedly in the background. Lavinia is secretly pleased that her daughter Isabella went off ponies, ballet is so much more…well how do I put it – economical! Especially as her husband’s post redundancy ‘consultancy’ work hasn’t panned out, the house needs re-thatching and the Land Rover keeps breaking down…..she may have to get a job or face a life of abject financial misery……a Ford Focus….rubber Dullard wellies……shudder!
6.’ The Champagne’ posh Welly – Le Chameur, worn by people with 400 quid to spend on wellies, supplied to the nation by proper posh companies such as Le Chameur and quite possibly sold at Harrods (I haven’t done the research if I’m honest).
Champagne Charlotte. (Lady) Charlotte (St John Smith) lives in the Great House (old money you know) and she is often seen strutting about the village in her (like) Le Chameurs. She isn’t even really aware of the leather lining or the full length zip, it’s just luxury that she has always known. Lady Charlotte walks her grounds shod in (like) Le Chameurs all year round with Bunty and Bracken, her Airedales yapping at her side. But she isn’t smug or snobbish and often integrates with us commoners. In fact she’s always first in the wellie wanging arena at the May Day village Fete – ready to hurl some low grade rubber…….be a dear and pass her a Dullard would you!
I’ve just heard back from Lucy (the effervescent) at Execellent Magazine– she’d been away on a mini break to, you won’t believe it, only the jeffing Ice hotel – I dislike her smugass mini- breakness even more. Anyway, they’re not going to run my wellie boot piece because they’ve printing her article on the aforementioned jeffing Ice hotel. She says she might be able to shoe horn my wellies into the March edition if I’m lucky……..
What sort of wellie wearer are you? Do they brighten your rainy days or bring shame upon your shoe rack?
Happy jeffing January to you all from the village!
As you were! x